90 Day Divorcee? A summary of this seasons 90 Day Fiance Tell All:
Hi! I’m Kristin, a 90 Day Fiance Expert Analyst. The importance of this franchise to the human experience cannot be understated. This past season just ended, but fear not — we have Happily Ever After to look forward to! Before that, we have to get through the “Tell All” which I have summarized for you below. My initial draft of this was as long as The Federalist Papers ( 274 pages) and can be provided upon request, for a small fee.
Now let’s get to it!
Shaun Robinson is hosting and announces that Stephanie and Ryan/Harris will not be joining. Stephanie is suing 90 Day Fiance and posting about it all on Instagram so we are left with…
Julia and Brandon, who still live with his parents. Julia is impressed because the studio doesn’t look like the farm. Brandon looks like my Elf on a Shelf doll after my dog chewed at its face. Julia started by judging everyone. Julia won’t shut up. Turns out Brandon found apartments for them but Julia didn’t like them, so they lived on the farm with his parents rent-free in exchange for doing farm chores. I believe that Julia hates animals but I think animals hate Julia more. My dogs Baxter and Toby hate her. Or at least picked the moment she was on screen to barf on my rug.
Yara and Jovi arrive and Yara is gorgeous as always. She looked better giving birth than I do on my best day. Jovi seems sober which is new for him. Yara is adorable talking about her baby and how sweet Jovi is. Wait, spoke too soon. Shaun shows a tape of Jovi going to the champagne room at the strip club. The dancer looks just like Yara. Yara didn’t know this happened. She drops Jovi’s hand and starts to tear up. Zied, oddly, starts laughing. Julia explains that it’s just dancing, but she would kill Brandon if he did this. Shut up, Julia. No one knows what a strip club is. Have they not seen Hustlers? Jovi’s mom joins. She is adorable and I can tell she is team Yara like everyone else watching. Mom says Jovi’s been at a bachelor party for the last 10 years. Jovi took a lie detector test and is a liar. Turns out he had sex with a stripper. I mean not that night. But once. I mean who cares. Tarik, the polygamist, is the moral compass Jovi needs and tells Jovi to apologize, which he does. All is well. The show ends there. PSYCH!
Rebecca and Zied are here and Zied announces he is bored. I can’t tell if Zied is looking like a snack or if he’s just the least shitty out of all these guys? Rebecca got some work done and she looks great. Zied likes it. Julia still won’t shut up and tells her to just go to “Gym Club”. Yara tells her to stop judging. I long for the days of zoom-based Tell-alls when they could mute someone.
Mike and Natalie:
Mike arrives sans Natalie. This shocked no one. Natalie arrives, changes into a red dress, and starts talking shit about Rebecca in Russian but then immediately compliments her. Mike says he got cold feet about the wedding and went to live “in a van down by the river” or something for 5–6 hours. Sounds like he did mushrooms to me. Mike apologizes to Natalie. Mike just didn’t want to get married that day. Natalie thought he cheated on her the night before because he disappeared and didn’t answer his phone. I mean is there even someone in a 100-mile radius? They live in “the wood” as Natalie reminds me. Jovi chimes in as the voice of reason. When Jovi is like “uh, that’s not cool” you know you are in trouble. Shaun announces that she is surprised Natalie and Mike are still alive and haven’t murdered each other. Who among us, Shaun? They rate things between them as a 6 and 7. That’s on a 1–10 scale. Honestly a 6? 7? What’s a 3, Jack Nicholson with his Axe in “The Shining”? Natalie announces she left the ring home and Shaun is basically like “No one believes you”, and they don’t. Mike’s friend Sarah joins. She says Mike didn’t cheat on Natalie with her and that Natalie face-timed her and asked “Are all American women whores or just you”. Natalie says she didn’t say that. Honestly, we’ve all been busted talking sh*t so I can relate to her now.
Lowe’s is having a sale…oh, sorry, commercial break.
Andrew and Amira:
Andrew arrives looking like he got lost in Men’s Warehouse. Andrew doesn’t know where Amira is and I am relieved because that means she is safe. Sighs of relief all around. Andrew is “healing” from his break-up. Shaun announces that Amira won’t talk to Andrew. It seems like Amira has PTSD from him and honestly, this is all kind of triggering. Andrew announces he only came to confront her and storms off the set. Cut to Andrew in the parking lot holding his suit jacket on a hanger. A lot of the cast is defending Andrew but he’s manipulative, so I get it…kind of. Andrew is having a temper tantrum and will go home unless he and Amira can talk at the same time (i.e. unless he can interrupt her, talk over her, and berate her). While Andrew sits in a truck Amira gets her turn. She talks about her detention. Some of the American men explain “That’s not how immigration works, that’s never happened to me, they don’t just detain you.” Because obviously, these two american men would have the same experience as Amira. It’s gross. The rest of the cast are apparently detectives who want to hear his side of the story. Why doesn’t Andrew speak after she is done so they can hear his side? Right, because he’s a baby. He leaves. The only question I want Shaun to ask him is what hair straightener he used. They had each other’s emails on their phones and Amira saw he was back on the dating site a week after she returned from Siberia. She has a new BF now and she is in love. He’s from the U.S., everyone laughs. Amira has a type. Julia still won’t shut up.
Hazel and Tarik
They appear on a split screen in separate rooms. Weird, but who cares. Tarik announces someone they know has Covid. I wonder if they got that girlfriend they wanted and she gave them covid. Bittersweet. The whole cast is not sure how a threesome, open relationships, and polyamory work. Zied laughs at the idea of Polyamory and Rebecca’s look of relief is touching. Julia, as always. won’t shut up. Tarik humblebrags that he’s had “wild days” (aka a lot of threesomes) and then explains that they are polyamorous, but don’t abide by anyone’s rules. Even Hazel’s, apparently. She was like we can have a girlfriend but it just can’t be Minty. Tarik can’t stop texting Minty. Not Cool Tarik, Not Cool. Minty stops by and she is hot. Honestly, I get it. If I ever had a threesome the woman would have to have my exact same measurements and also have an ugly face.
What a wild ride! Can’t wait for Happily Ever After!